Conflict Communication Crash Course

Two of your reports are at each others throats.  They’ve clashed, and now are ready to rip each other, and the morale of your staff, apart.  It’s time for you to act.

Every manager knows this day is coming and almost every one of them dreads the moment of its arrival.  The few who don’t are those who mistakenly believe that a commanding voice growling, “Knock it off, both of you,” is enough to solve the problem.  It’s not.

Like most things, skills in conflict resolution are acquired only after serious training.  Classes and workshops are the best way to learn to handle these tense situations.  That said, here are some quick tips to help get you through:

SEPARATE THEM BEFORE YOU BRING THEM TOGETHER:  Listen to each of the antagonists independently first.  Listening to them together invites whoever isn’t speaking at the moment to react defensively, to interrupt and to “dig in” (harden their resolve to “be right”).  Give each person a chance to be heard.   Here’s the secret:  Sometimes, very often in fact, it’s more important to be heard than to be right. Once the parties have their say they’re likely to be much more amenable to hearing the other guy out, and compromising.

LISTEN:  If you’ve been with us at Communication Steroids you already know the power of “active listening.”  Most managers, in these situations, are listening for whatever will calm the situation the quickest, or to establish, in their own minds, which of the reports is more “right” than the other.  It is important to figure out what solution is best for the enterprise; to establish who is most “right.”  But that’s not nearly enough.  It is also important that both parties involved feel understood.  And that’s the beauty of active listening.  It’s all about listening for understanding.  Ask questions of both parties.  Repeat back to them key points they make, prefacing your questions with phrases like, “Do I understand you to mean…” and “I hear you telling me…” and ending with these very important words,  “Do I have it right?”

NEVER TAKE IT PERSONALLY:  Even if somebody lashes out, it’s most likely frustration over the situation, and fear of the consequences, that causes the anger.  Accept that emotion is a factor and respond…don’t react.

When you’ve got a very clear understanding of the issues and egos involved; and when both parties feel they’ve had a chance to be heard AND UNDERSTOOD, then it’s time to bring them together.

SEARCH FOR COMMON GROUND:  Try to focus on the things the antagonists have in common, not the issues that divide them…and, for the love of pete, stay positive.

TRY TO MAKE BOTH PARTIES PART OF THE SOLUTION:  Everybody is happier if everybody wins, at least a little.  Most of the time, even if your decision strongly favors one of the antagonists, it’s possible to include points from the other in the solution.  Making both parties part of the solution encourages buy-in and fosters team thinking.

DON’T ASSUME RELATIVE VALUE IS VITAL:  Just because one of the antagonists is more valuable to the enterprise than the other doesn’t necessarily mean you must side with them; at least, not completely.  First, they may be dead wrong, in which case you have to determine just how much their “wrongness” is going to cost.  Second, and just as important, the perception that you always side with “Bill” or “Sue” or whoever is the key employee may poison the well for the rest of your staff.  You’ll end up with ten angry staffers to appease one happy camper.  What’s more, over time, that camper may be emboldened to the point that it’s just one tantrum after another.

I once heard a manager say, with the confidence that comes from ignorance, that “communication is easy.”  That manager was wrong.  Talking is easy.  Communication is hard.  Communication through anger and frustration is harder still.  Mastering the techniques of conflict management can make your supervisors much, much better at handling these tough, and profit killing, moments.

( photo credit: pasukaru76 (away for holiday)